genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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