Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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