What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
