It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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