my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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