Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
