Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize