Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
