wanna go halves on a baby?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
