Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
