I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
