i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
