Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
