Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
