I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
