I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
