he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
