he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
