yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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