Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
