Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
