y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
