How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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