i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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