just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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