I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
