I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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