you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
