dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
