Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you traded sex for a burrito?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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