Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
