my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
