i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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