You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is Oprah even human
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
