we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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