she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
