I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
MIDGETS
????
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
