apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
