even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
