I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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