My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
two words: eviction party
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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