Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
