I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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