its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
