ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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