I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
