Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
