Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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