I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
do nipples grow back?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
