I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
