You really coming over, don't trick.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just want nice things and good sex
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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