matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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