Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
