i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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