Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
