so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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