I faked an abortion last night.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
