I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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