Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
