bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
