It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Let's get the cat blown out
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
