last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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