Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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