my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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