new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
