I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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