i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
