Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
