took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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