Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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