I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
everyone is single if you try hard enough
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
